The 80's are a time that can be looked at in different ways, it was a decade of severe hardship but thankfully not for me, I was raking it in. I had more pies than Desperate Dan could eat, the birds were crawling over me and my perm had been trimmed back to a burst couch. For others though it was a decade characterized by unemployment, strikes and despair, but enough of that, lets get back to the birds and the pies!
I have a secret that I will divulge here, I was and indeed still am a New Romantic, nothing gave me more pleasure than donning the make up, the military uniform my pink lipstick and strutting my stuff. It was a lot easier when I was in London, where Boy George and I would hit the town. With Steve Strange and other people whose names escape me but whose perfumes and facial make up will remain with me forever. Oh, how we danced and sang, Don't you want me Baby, don't you want me Oh Oh oh oh! I nearly started my own band, Derek and The Pies, but I thought better of it when I came back to Glasgow to resign for the Gers. Although to be honest I was tempted to give up football altogether and go for it. I wrote a song called, You're the inside of my pie, baby and I love it when your hot" I know it would have went to the top of the pos, but another road waited for me. One without makeup, or George, or Steve Strange or indeed the beautifully perfumed gang. I still weep when I see Duran Duran on the telly.
Many ion Scotland still hate the Iron lady, Mrs. Thatcher, but to me she was like a mother in a strange land, I met her at a Rally, and we hit it off right away. I liked the way she always wore blue and didn't like turning. Being 23 stone myself I had always hated turning also. We would chat about things on the phone and I would always try to pop in to see her, that is until two men from Special Branch called and warned me to keep away or I would be doing some "serious bird" I thought to myself, "I have enough serious birds in my life, so decided to decline Mrs. T's offer.
All through this period I had been seeing dozens of birds, and you know what they say about London birds? They are all, as Del Boy would say, " right sorts and saucy mare's' I have never felt the need to be totally truthful with these women as if you are they start to think they own you and move your stuff about in your house. I prefer the old, "I'm training early the morra love, why don't a book ye a taxi at five?" It's cruel but has to be done. My Rangers career was not quite what I had hoped either, as we were pish! Not only were we getting gubbed by Celtic but the Sheep would regularly come down and do a Smeato on us. It was not a happy time and our poor form cost John Grieg his job, although he has a new one now so that's alright. I
I remember the 80's with some fondness being a Yuppie myself. I would drive around in my flash car and watch people say things at me, I think most of it was complimentary, but some took exception at me and called me a fat bastard and other things I cannot print here.
I took it with a pinch of salt and a pie. Absolutely and without a doubt the best bit about the 80's was not Souness coming because he called me into his office, said I was too fat, took the pie out of my hand and told me to leave. That was it, that was it all over, I was not a Ger, I was a nobody, but I could still pull the birds and put away the pies, and in my book if you can do those things you are a living god….ok maybe a fat one but a god nonetheless.
Tomorrow, the 90's, till the present Day. Signing on, radio Clyde and Dieting for a new bird.