Derek Johnstone, Keevins, a Hypnotist and a Suicidal Bomber

Laugh? Laugh? I nearly soiled myself! There I was sitting in the car, my missus a Bluenose, was straining against the urge to drive the car into oncoming traffic as the news of the Brown signing being near completion came over the radio via Clyde. Hugh Keevins, the man, the journalist, the Tash, was reading emails they had received that were remiding him of the folly of his and big DJ's vehement procrastinations to the effect that Brown going to the teddy Bears was as much a done deal as his Tash was 30 years out of date and tragically preposterous. Big DJ, the women with learning difficulties crumpet, did more to promote forked tongue dialogue than any 19^th century Yankee politician dealing with the noble Native Americans.

He was, quite simply, outstanding. He told his story of the gentlemans agreement that had been done. He told of the fact that Brown wanted to go, you could hear the repressed sobs of a man akin to someone whose tray of organic pork pies had been carefully removed from the clay oven, placed to cool in the gentle breeze that wafted the window sill, only for them to be blagged by his ex birds new jocky as he prepared a mug of tea and hefty wedges of buttered bread! He then tried, and this is when touching cloth was a possibility, he tried to turn it around and claim that Brown was now too much money for not enough player. What an absolute fool! We have not got him, so we will spit the dummy, and say he wasn't that good anyway. Do me a favour for the love of pies Derek!

Caller after caller piled into both 70's tash man and DJ. he would not budge, he kept on about " you can only go on the information you have". Well here's a tip big man, make sure that it is on the money before you put yourself up for a turkey shoot, and im not talking crown of turkey golden roasted and surrounded by roast tatties, im talking a double barrel up your jacksy!

I was sitting there laughing to myself and wishing that we could have a Hypnotist in the room with them, it would go something like this.

DJ, " well as I said, WGS originally offered £4m for both Brown and Thompson, now he has paid over that for one of them, and while I think he is a great prospect I don't think he is worth that kind of money"

Enter The Great Pie, Hypnotist extrordinaire.

"And sleep"

DJ "Humph and accompanying drool"

The Great Pie: " When you wake up Derek you will believe that Rangers have signed Brown, you are convinced he has joined the Gers, they have paid £4.8 million and the whole deal comes to over £12 million including wages., answer the questions absolutely truthfully as you would if this was true" "one two three, your back in the Room!"

Keevins: "Whats your point caller.?

It's a question for DJ, do you think this is a good piece of business for Rangers"?

DJ " Absolutely! Brown is by far the greatest talent in scotland, and I would go as far to say that he is probably the best young midfielder in britain, if not the world. When the bidding started, both Celtic and rangers tried to get him on the cheap as they as prone to do, but they knew they were at it. Walter has returned and paid the going rate for such a talent. I think this will be the signing every gers fan alive or dead has been waiting on. This shows the determination of Walter, Ally and the rest of the little bears over there in Goldilocks land. I think this is a fantastic piece of business and don't forget here, he is only 21, after his period here is over, Rangers will get all that back and more. Fantastic signing and well done to Walter. I did predict this along with the Tash, as our listeners will attest, this for me tips the balance of power back toward Rangers, no doubt about that!"

The Great Pie: " Sleep" "

DJ " humph, (drool, slabbers, catching flies)"

The Great Pie: " When you awake this time the situation is that Celtic have stolen Brown from under the noses of rangers" , "Your back in the Room"!

Caller: " I would like to ask Derek what he thinks of the deal with Brown?"

DJ: "I just don't think the guy is worth that kind of money, he is a good player, yes, undoubtedly, but whose to say Rangers will not get someone cheaper and better, no I think £4.8million is far too much"

Meanwhile Suicidal Bomber Brown is doing a shift that would leave a Samaritans counsellor exhausted trying manfully to console his fellow Gers that all is not lost and the Brothers Grim, funded by Chick Murray will do it alright next year. Don't worry, everything will be ok. It had the feel of the Captain on the deck of the Titanic, " Its alright, were not sinking, were just leaning over to catch a better view of that big white thingy that we bumped into"

Ropes at the ready, in fact the ropes semed to be 'Aye Ready', they came on and cried and cried, Suicidal Bomber Brown could do nothing. This was a situation where they all knew they were talking utter urine. They were trying to minimise the enormity of this blow in psycological terms and they sounded like weans who had been told they were not invited to a party so started saying how bad the party would be. Grow up guys.

As for my wife? I took her for dinner, we sat as my mobile lit up with text after text from friends and brothers laughing at the whole situation. I tried manfully not to let a contented GIRFUY smile cross my lips, but you know something? I would have needed the Great Pie to hypnotise me for that to have worked. We slept bums not touching that night, the only movement was my shoulders as I laughed myself to sleep. As for you DJ, "GET BACK IN THE ROOM".

Hail Hail.