Ukrainian People Outraged: Celtic Guilty Again.
News is coming in of a dastardly underhand effort by Glasgow Celtic FC to undermine the confidence of the whole Ukraine nation by leaking a story that all Ukrainians beat up their elderly parents and some even eat domestic pets. News of this outrage came to me through a "reliable source" he told me. "Yes, its true Celtic have leaked a story about Ukrainian brutality to old frail nice pensioners including eating pets and disguising their heinous acts of barbarism by turning their fur into hats. I even saw a passage that wasn't printed that claimed all Ukrainians are cannibals and that they only bathe in vodka once a year and don't let their children out to play". I understand the British Consulate are investigating the claims and it seems that at least 30 of the official party including Billy Connelly could be spending the next thirty years down a Salt Mine" At last justice.
Northern Rock: Brian Quinn, Ex banker? You do the Math:
As thousands of ordinary people, kids, pensioners who fought in the war and other people queue for hours in the freezing biting rain trying to salvage their life savings. A man who masterminded the whole debacle in a plan to try to underwrite another share issue waltzes about the Ukraine whilst Northern Rock burns. The depth of the crisis is so severe that not even a right good backhander from the government can seemingly sort it out. An insider, who wished to remain anonymous, said "Yes, it has been widely accepted that Quinn has been trying to undermine the whole western economic system through greed and trying to ensure that Celtic triumph over Rangers. This is another example of the selfish and treacherous attitude of this club. I hope they can sleep tonight, unlike those poor children whose piggy n]banks have been plundered and put at risk by one man, one club, one stain on the landscape and one pain in the arse of the Rangers way. I hope that vengeance is wrought for the sake of all the little guys out there that this paper will fight for till the last rainforest is cut down and we run out of paper.
Foot and Mouth: As Easy as 1, 2, and 3.
British farmers are bracing themselves yet again as another outbreak of the disastrous Foot and Mouth disease again ravages throughout the farming community. Too many, it may seem as a coincidence that no Irish farmers have suffered; well, now we can reveal what has happened. A group of eco terrorists led by a well known time, Charlie McGinley, got a hold of samples of the bacteria and started to spread it over the boots of farmers as they slept in their beds. An insider, who wished to remain nameless, said, clearly having been weeping "It's an absolute disgrace that Celtic FC could be behind such an act of wanton criminality. I have never in my life seen anything that was so callous, so destructive as to render an entire industry forlorn in the face of culls and restricted movement to markets." I have long echoed on these very pages the global threat of this club and that the insidious nature of their activities will only bring our country to its knees, ok, this is only its foot and mouth but believe me its knees are next.
Hearts: Best Team in the history of the human Race.
After that astounding win at the weekend by the wee Gers, it has been revealed by a top football Boffin that hearts have gone from being the worst team in the league when Celtic beat them, to the very best when they beat us, I mean Rangers. A source close to Michel Plating said, "Yes, Hearts are now the best team in the history of the human race ever, and only Rangers can overcome them" I hope that clears that up for you suicidal bears out there who thought that all the hype, all the undermining by us has had no impact on the destination of the league going east to Celtic. I can assure you this paper will not rest if it can stop that. No danger.