On and on they pushed, the trees became denser and denser, not one of them could spell for toffee and certainly would never be able to hold a conversation on relativity and certainly the notion they had the capacity either individually or collectively in explaining Trigonometry was, well farcical. But then again they were trees, so perhaps we shouldn't be too harsh. Anyway, where was I….Yes, the heroes, all of a sudden, they came to a clearing that had four possible directions to head off into, each had a sign. Rack and Ruin, Despondency and Decline, Financial and Moral Destitution and finally Cumbernauld.
Lion: We've been down all of these roads before, more than once I may add all with the same result..
Dorothy: I know, I know but I promised I will never go back on Question of Sport again so this time we have to get it right.
Toto: I'm hungry anybody got any Mars Bars?
Scarecrow: It's a test, a particularly difficult test, but a test nonetheless.
Tin Man: We don't want tests Scarecrow, sure you've no brain only straw between yer lugs man!
Scarecrow: I know, it's a particular pain in the arse that tin man, but we have to do it. /how else are we to get more points than the Munchkin King?
Tin Man: What's appened to refs since I went south? Aren't tha working for us no more lad?
Dorothy: Wicked witches from the continent came and made us play without our songs and even the refs had to cut back a bit.
Lion: Yes, darkness came down Tin man; I ran out of tenners and had to fight just to keep my tail;
Toto: Your breaking my heart here guys honestly but what ******* way are we going Im seizing up?
Dorothy: Let's go through the options, Well, Cumbernauld?
All: **** That.
Toto: I d rather share a cell in a Turkish prison with Bobo the Dalmatian for the rest of my natural.
All: Agreed.
Tin Man: Who is Bobo the Dalmatian?
Dorothy: It's a sore point, just leave it.
Scarecrow: Let's go for rack and ruin.
Toto: Am both racked with pain, and ruined thanks to that brute, so why not? Been there got the tee shirt lifted and have been on You Tube in all my agonising glory. Still makes my eyes water to think of it. A ******* scandal is what it was.
Scarecrow: It's decided then, this way to victory, to the Wizard, to the enchanted points, to...
Toto: Were burning daylight here Scarecrow can we just go ffs?
Scarecrow: Eh, particularly since its nearly time for bed we should get a few miles in ahem, lets get they points!
All: Weheh! Altogether now the Cry…….fades
They set off down the road to rack and ruin once more. Unbeknown to them they were not alone, for eyes were watching their every step. In the heart of the West the Big Yin, the Wicked Witch of the West(WWW) sat gazing at his enemies as they tried to wrest the enchanted points off his beloved Munchkin King and his team through his HD wide vision 180" plasma telly with remote outside broadcast and eavesdrop cameras mounted on specially trained crows.
WWW: Aw dae ye bloody think so? I think I'll pay them a wee visit when they settle doon for the night.
About a mile further down the road to rack and ruin the party came to a stop, they were exhausted, the lion was getting afraid the tin man was seizing up with the drizzle, the Scarecrows hat was looking tawdry Dorothy wanted to do her hair and Toto was ******
Toto: That's as far as I go the night, my paws are aw chaffed, my chutes as hot as an exhaust aff a dragster, and I could eat a smoked donkey.
Tin man: Eh lad, smoked donkey? So thav has been ta Scunthorpe then? Smoked donkey takes me back that do.
Scarecrow: Lets get some sleep; we have a particularly difficult day ahead of us, particularly if bad things happen.
Lion: Ahem, what kind of bad things scarecrow? You know I lost all my courage when a lost all my tenners.
Scarecrow: Don't worry lion, just run like **** if you see anything dodgy.
BANG, CRASH, CLATTER, BOOM
SWISH, SWIRL, KABOOM AND LAMP! Oh and Wallop anaw!
WWW: Well hello there, or should I say Hello hello there?
The lion tries to run he is terrified and scampers but WWW is standing on his tail.
WWW: Not so fast Lion ya big fearty. Where do you think you lot are gaun? No so Gallus without yer tenners Ur ye.
Lion: Am sorry am sorry am sorry. Aaarrghhh! Am taking a heart attack (falls to the floor holding his chest)
WWW: WHERE ARE YE GAUN A SAID?
All: Cumbernauld.
WWW. LIARS, LIARS PANTS ON FIRE. Even I, the WWW would never go there, its ****** mental, and boring and the architecture would give you a seizure ffs. Where are ye really gaun……DOROTHY?
Dorothy: A wiz just tryin to run away sure a wiz Toto.
Toto: Ama dug, nothing to do with me.
Dorothy: But its true WWW, I was doing a runner ask Archie McPherson of orange he'll back me up.
WWW. Archie? Brilliant absolutely Brilliant, is he still livin in a van that old ******
Dorothy: He was yesterday WWW, Toto and I spent the night there it was him that told us to go a see the Wizard.
WWW THE WIZARD? THE WIZARD? THE ****** WIZARD. THAT BAWBAG?
Dorothy: Aye, him, what don't you like him or something? Av never met him but I think he must be rubbish if you hate him so a day.
WWW: If you see him tell him from me that we have unfinished business. I would kill you all right here and now, but I won't, because
I've a really nice roast in the oven and I forgot to turn the oven doon a bit and
I want to watch you suffer a bit more, there's loads of stuff in these woods that would love to eat you all.
All: What kind of stuff?
WWW; Lions and tigers and Bears
All: Lions and tigers and bears, oh my, lions and tigers and bears OH MY, LIONS AND TIGERS AND BEARS OH MY.
Toto: Can we shut up ffs; if they don't know we are here they will now?
Swoosh, kazam, petchooo, dwang
Ziiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnngggggg. Poof!
And with that WWW was gone the lion gets up, brushes his chest of twigs and looks at where WWW had been.
Lion: Grrrr Grrrr, grrrawa gggrrrr put em mup. Put em mup. I'll fight him with my eyes closed, ill fight him asleep, I'll fight him Cianzano, anytime any place anywhere. A wiz just aboot tae set aboot him. Grrrrrrrrrrr grrrra graaw
Toto: Sure ye wur! We could all tell it was just a matter of timing.
A booming voice splits the sky
WWW: So your wanting a square go lion I'll be right there.
The lion screams and runs into the woods waving hi hands, he then comes back out even faster.
Lion: There's ******* stuff in there that wants to eat me!
Scarecrow: Lion sit doon, the WWW has got a roast in the oven he was only rippin the pish. Keep quiet and you'll be awright.
Lion; I can't stop shaking, oh how I wish I still had my tenners to protect me.
Toto: Any chance of some zzzz's here? Unless somebody really has got some Mars bars?
Everyone settled down as well as they could to try and get some sleep. The Lion who was afraid of sheep tried counting money, but as he hadn't any left he tried counting his blessings, but since he had none of those either, he knocked himself out with a rock. Dorothy once the funniest girl in all Govanite Land tried to remember when she made people laugh without them thinking she was an embarrassing old has been tart. The Tin Man dreamed of bathing in WD 40 with Mrs Tin Man and making sparks fly Toto thought fondly of the days when his arse was still tighter than a nats chuff and finally the Scarecrow wondered if the day would ever come when he could have the operation and live his life openly as Jane. The Forest surrounded them, the silence broken only by the sound of danger and death especially from big hungry things with teeth and claws, from the trees an unwelcome sound as a twig broke.
Lion: Did anybody hear that? Please anyone awake? There's no place like home, there's no place like home…..why does that never work for me?