The lion finally drops off and manages to squeeze in a couple of winks in between nightmares. The morning comes in fits and starts as if it cannot make up its mind. Toto is first to get up still limping slightly...
Toto: Right you lot look lively this aint ******* scout camp, thank **** my arse is sore enough!
The others gradually all rise to their feet stretching and yawing, the lion goes into a Ti chi routine that shows clearly that he has never attended a class.
Scarecrow: FFS Lion give it a rest will you? Im never particularly cheery in the morning but seeing people, especially Lions prance about doing Ti Chi gives me the pip. If you could do it I would just be pissed off, but you canny so turn it up. Remember it was in the morning that I tore that tosser Young a new arsehole, you have been warned.
Lion: but, but, but, Im your chairman Scarecrow.
Scarecrow: Yeah yeah, a skint Chairman just my own particular brand of particularly bad luck.
Toto: Oh Children! I said oh children, can you see what I can see.
Toto points off into the distance where a big silvery building looms out of the morning mist.
Toto; It's the Great White Elephant, that is Hampden, for it is written. The Cauldron of boredom, the arena of vacuum, Hampden Park, home of the Wizard of Oz.
All in unison; So it is, would you look at that, the Wizards greatness and loveliness is almost perceptible through all that hazy stuff and slight precipitation that will, in all probabilities, burn of as the Sun arches higher into the morning Sky.
They all look at each other with funny quizzical expressions as if to say "where the **** did that come from in unison?
Meanwhile in The Great White Elephant that is Hampden, for it is written. The Wizard was looking at himself in the mirror, adjusting his Barnet and cooing softly to himself. On his wall were hundreds of signed photos……………….. Of himself and a big life-size chocolate figure in the corner, again of himself with only the slightest provocative nibbles around the ears visible. There also seemed to be a perceptible indentation in the area at the front of the shorts, but we will park that one for the moment! He was singing to himself that song that, that big woman with the square heid used to sing years ago with some of his own words thrown in because he could'ny remember all of them.(nor the writer for that matter)
Wizard. He……Was……….Beautiful…………..Beautiful.
Yes he was,
What a shag boy what a giver of joy
Would you please look at those thighs?
There is a chap at the door, it is an SFA Orc, bent almost double with rage, snarling and drooling hot sticky stuff out of its cracked and brutalised mouth.
Orc. Are you ready for your infants blood oh beautiful one?
Wizard: Not today my loathsome wretch, I'll have a diet coke, if it's all the same.
Orc: Not even the heart of a fairy?
Wizard: The coke will be fine, thank you. Bring me the fixture list and we shall see where I can fix a few things for the mighty Gers. Never again can the Munchkin king be allowed to take the enchanted points back to the Emerald City for all the little tatty munching Munchkin to savour. They were singing for days, lost hours of sleep. Would you look at these bags under my eyes, it is just as well I am so gorgeously beautiful and wise that I know I can recover soon...
Orc: I shall bring it presently, your gorgeousness…….nice thighs if I may be so bold as to remark.
Wizard: You may, you may, and now off with you for the list, your stench is beginning to take the edge of my unadulterated joy at being so lovely.
He turns once more to the mirror and sighs, making a small fist playfully clipping his chin in a state of total and utter self adulation.
Wizard: Ahhhhhhhhhhh
Meanwhile back on the road to Rack and Ruin, Dorothy and the gang want to make a beeline for The Great White Elephant that is Hampden, for it is written. But in order to do so they have to cross the Buckfast Meadow and we all know the dangers one can find yourselves in if you embark upon the Buckfast…well most of you could. I have an exquisite palate an only the finest of wines are invited to dance on it. But you get my drift here, it a ******* story for **** sake!
Toto: do we really want to cross the /Buckfast Meadow? It could all go tits up in sporadic outbursts and ungainly square go's.
Tin man: We don't ava choice lad, I've run out a WD 40
Lion: Im too scared to stay on this road and im too scared to go into the valley; oh tenners please come back im at my wits end.
Scarecrow: Dorothy what do you think.
Dorothy: Buckfast Meadow has been the ruin of many a slip of a girl, but since I'm an ageing tart, what the hell.
They all link arms and set out onto the meadow. As they step on the grass it talks to them
BuckyGrass: Holl you ya ******* rocket, whit ye dain jumping up an doon on am heid FFs? I'll rattle your jaw ya numpty, am pure bouncing oot ma dial here and I'll tan yer jaw, yer ma's a cow, yer da's a bender, come ahead ya bawbag.
Scarecrow: Don't listen to it don't listen to it. Let's sing?
Dorothy: can we sing the banned stuff/
Scarecrow: Aye why not,
All; Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllooooooooooooooooo
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllooooooooooooooooooooooo
We are The Billy boys……….. And on and on and so forth, blah blah
They keep signing for hours until even they cannot stand their knees being in any more blood. At once the grass, whispering as usual Don Estelle like, starts to tempt them.
BuckyGrass: Take a wee bottle and share it you must be thirsty?
Buckygrass's pal: Go on huv a swig its pure nectar by the way, ye'll pure luv it.
Buckgrass's pals sister: Take a swig an ye'll be pure dancing and wantin a shag, it's the pure business so it iz.
Dorothy: Maybe just a wee sip, nothing much just enough to take this terrible druth aff.
They are all falling under the spell of the grass and eventually like all true blues they cannot resist the temptation to take stuff that will make them want to fight. It is not long before they are all arguing; even the lion with the Dutch courage has offered the tin man to a set too. The Scarecrow is trying to get into Dorothy's pants…… (What a shock that will be eh readers?) At this point the tin Man is chasing the lion around in circles waving his chopper……..I'll park that one anaw! Scarecrow and Dorothy are cleaning each others tonsils and Toto is trying to take a dump without splitting his arse up to his collar. He is the only one unaffected by the Buckfast and is trying to edge them nearer the final path to The Great White Elephant that is Hampden, for it is written.
BuckyGrass: That wee dug pure shat on me there, that's boggin.
Toto: Right everybody, keep moving.
Scarecrow: Who you talking tae ya wee mutt?
At this Toto has an idea, he will make them all mad and get them to chase him. At this he runs around them all pissing on their legs and they indeed all chase him, lobbing bucky bottles at him all the way to the path in a torrent of abuse that the writer is not prepared to reproduce frankly. . When they get there they all come out of the spell and realise what Toto has achieved.
Dorothy: Oh Toto my darling well done, you could see the danger and made us chase you. Tell me those bad Bucky bottles didn't hit your precious little pretty head?
Toto: Naw am awright.
Scarecrow: My fingers smell funny.
At once Dorothy blushes and moves to the head of the group. The scarecrow coughs and follows her. ~The Great White elephant that is Hampden, for it is written is only a mile away and they walk as fast as their legs can carry them.
Deep in the dungeon of the Great White Elephant that is Hampden, for it is written. In a cell of dank appallingness sits the Wicked Witch of the East, WWE (Peter Lawell for those of you who can't be arsed scrolling back up) he is having a conversation with an SFA ORC.
WWE: I'll tell you what I'll do son, I'll give you back the fairy heart surprise and the infants blood in exchange for the deal of your life. You give me my wand, and I will magic up a tin bath full of those heart things and I'll plumb your cesspit with hot and cold running infant's blood. At these prices am losing money. It will be a three year deal but we of course keep all image rights. What ya say?
Orc: (Scratching scabs of his forehead) Lets see, hot and cold running blood you say?
WWE: The very same, I could, in fact I will, throw in a couple of nearly new chrome taps and shower cap. I got Nakamura for a curtain rail and only cold blood son, think about this I implore you.
Orc: Nah I don't think I will………………however, if you throw in one of they new Ipod things it's a deal.
WWE: Canny go to a case for it too though, that would be a deal buster..
Orc: don't need the case:
WWE: Done.
Orc; I'll get the wand.
WWE: You do that son, there's a good lad.
Orc: here we are.
WWE: Thank you son, KERTWANG, there you go your Ipod and when you get home you'll find the plumbing to your specification. Why don't you run home and try it out.
Orc: I'll do just that.
And with that he was off. WWE wasted no time and runs up the stairs to stop the Wizard from doing a deal that will cut Celtic out of the enchanted points forever. He knows he needs help and puts a telepathically powered call (go with me here please) through to the three men he knows can help him save the day. Wicked Witch of the West (Billy Connelly) The Good Fairy (TB) and the Munchkin King (WGS) and in a thrice!
KERBANG, CAPOOSH, and BERGONG TRINGZINGYDOOODAH
they are all with him.WWW: Brilliant, that's the most fun I've had since I was a small boy in Patrick.
Munchkin King: I was trying to finish a yogurt I hud in the fridge like, no? Its use by date was the day a hope it dizny go aff.
Good Fairy: Ehhhhhhhhhhhh EHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Glasgow Celtic Football club, ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh needs some help and as the ehhhhhhhhhhhhhh supporters of Glasgow Celtic football club may God, Jesus, the blessed Virgin and all the Saints and the Holy Father, Bless them, are ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh no here, eeeeeeehhhhhhhhhh am here to ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh lend a hand to Glasgow Celtic Football club.ehhhhhhhhhh so am ur.
WWE: Let's go then, did anybody bring a nice pen for signing the deal? Naw, a didny think so.
Good Fairy: Eeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh naw.
WWE pointing upward): To the Tower.
All signing and charging up the stairs:
In the War against Rangers, in the fight for the Cup, when Jimmy McGrory put Celtic one up…………………..on and on in /glorious Tim fashion!
Outside the gates Dorothy and the gang were being let in and shown to the Wizard of Oz.
Orc: This way, oh my you have such podgy little scrumptious finger miss.
Dorothy: Please don't touch me I feeling rather used as it is.
Toto: What a total slapper
Dorothy: what was that Toto?
Toto: I said you should have slapped his napper. The cheeky swine that he is. Talking to you like that.
Orc: He is here, wait. Wizard, Dorothy and Scarecrow Toto and Tin Man are here.
Lion; Me too Im here too……………but am awfy feart can I no wait in that we room.
Orc: Naw.
Wizard: come in Come. Now before we start. One a scale of one to ten, how gorgeous am I.
All: 10
Wizard: you're just saying that because it's true. (He burst into song)
Oh lord its hard to be humble
When you're perfect in every way
I can't wait to look in the mirror.
All; you get better looking each day.
To know you is to love you.
You must be a hell of a man.
Wizard: oh lord its hard to be humble
But im trying the best that I can.
All. Whooping and a hollering
Wizard: now lets us do the deal that will prevent the Munchkin King from ever winning any more enchanted points and taking them back to the Emerald city any more. Where my book of spells, ah let me see.
Refs blind to Gers fouls, that won't do.
Refs give penalties, that doesn't go far enough.
Give Celtic a crap and ineffective Board…………nah we done that one to death
Ah here we are ban them completely for being too good for us.
All: now yer talking.
The
Wizard start to recite strange Masonic type ritualised script; either that or he was just making it all up. He was nearing the end when suddenly the door bursts in. the WWW was standing these in big Banana boots and a tight black all in one jumpsuit that quite frankly tore the arse of the bounds of decency. Behind him the defenders of the Celtic faith.
WWW: just hod oan the Wizard ya prancing Nancy boy that you are.
Good Fairy: Ehhhhhhhhhhh on behalf of Glasgow Football club, ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh we are here to ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh stop this skulduggery ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
WWE: thank you Good Fairy I will take it from here. So Wizard, you think you can conjure up a dastardly deal that will scupper the Celts?
Wizard: I would have got away with it too if it hadn't been for those pesky kids
Dorothy: excuse me, if you handy been looking at yourself in the mirror and singing your song we would have had this done and dusted.
Scarecrow: Yes, am particularly pissed off at the eventual outcome.
Lion: does this mean that I won't get any of my tenners back?
WWW. Naw, so shut it, it BRRRRRIIIIILLLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNT, gone yerslf WWE.
Wizard: I tell you what I'll do, I will give you a photo of my gorgeousness and you can even have a lick of my chocolate self, if you let me complete the spell.
WWE: No, I will tell you how it is. We are Celtic Football club and we have endured decades of your mob fixing it and doing the dirty to us. Here's the deal. We play fair.
Dorothy: Fair?
Scarecrow: but, but but but
Lion: what's fair?
WWE: Fair is where we just play and don't cheat.
Dorothy: but we love cheating.
Good Fairy: Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh don't ah no it.
WWE I will cast a spell that will make the kingdom free from ORCs free from cheating and fee from you Wizard. Your beauty has faded and your probably best role now would be as the keeper of the mirrors.
Wizards; Mirrors you say? Looking at this face all day? Done.
Toto: what a ****** waste of time, all that walking with my chute in the state it was in, and for what? Im going hame with the good Fairy he seems nice.
Dorothy: Toto, how could you?
Toto; quite easily hen. Ta ta.
And so the great WWE does the deal of a lifetime. Celtic are free from corruption and evil. They can play without fear of plots or men of no honour.
Munchkin King: can we go hame noo. If we hurry a might be able to finish that yogurt.
And so it was written. No more cheating, no more crooked refs, no more Daily Ranger……..well its only a fairy story, but if it could happen……………….
There's no place like home, and they're no team like Celtic. Hail Hail. And sleep well.